Dear Super Hot Guy with the Hillybilly Voice and Homely Guy with the Scottish Accent from College
I know we haven’t spoken in a while. I know we only ever spoke at all because we had that one class together and we were in the same group. I know that you have no idea who I am, and that my Facebook friend requests were made in vain. Despite all of this knowledge, I feel like we could really have something special.
Here’s what I’m proposing: a three-way relationship. Well, sort of, it wouldn’t be like a traditional three-way relationship. What I have in mind is that, Super Hot Guy, you will be my boyfriend mainly. We’ll hold hands and snuggle and make out and go places and stare lovingly into each other’s eyes before we fall asleep in each other’s arms every night. But here’s where you come in, Homely Guy - you have a way more appealing voice. So what you would do is stick with me and Super Hot Guy, and the two of you would be trained so that SHG moves his mouth silently in conversation, and you speak for him from the shadows. Get it?
In outlining this relationship, I came into another problem, which is that neither of you are that skilled at holding good conversation. To solve this problem, I think that while SHG and I work on our physical relationship, HG can search the area for a smart, funny, interesting guy. SFIG will whisper or write lines for HG, who will speak them while SHG mouths words.
I hope the two of you realize my sincerity and admiration for you, and that you can consider my proposal and get in touch with me to make arrangements.