Dear 13-Year-Old Girl From Teen Book Club With A Pentagram Tattoo on Your Calf And Emotional Issues
I never wanted to be your friend. There, I said it. I don’t feel like I should have been obligated to be your friend just because your parents got divorced and you didn’t handle it well. You should have been more like your older brother who was also in Teen Book Club and dyed a red streak in your hair and gotten into skateboarding. But no. Instead, you got some shady back alley tattoo of a pentagram with a goat head in the middle of it right on your adolescent calf. And that was your choice.
How did you even do that? Seriously, you were 13, at most. I remember because one of the librarians told me that you got suspended from your middle school for threatening a teacher. Do you have a relative with questionable morals and a tattoo gun? He’d also had to have some artistry, because it looked pretty good, you know, for a pentagram featuring a goat head.
What’s more, what was up with the Satanic body art? Were you in a phase that you thought you’d be in for the rest of your life? Spoiler alert, that wasn’t the case.
Anyway, all this is just the prelude to asking why you thought it was ok to bang on the store windows at the mall as I was driving away, yelling my name like I’d turn around and talk to you? Especially when it wasn’t even me, but my best friend who looks absolutely nothing like me?
In conclusion, it is clear that in all these years since we met, you have not once checked yourself. And girlfriend, you’re long overdue for wrecking yourself.
With the utmost respect and cordiality,