See Emily Play

Dear Girl from The Movie Theatre

I feel for you.  I really, really do, and before anything else, I want you to understand that.  But that being said, as I emptied my nervous bladder full of Cherry Coke, the last thing I expected to hear was that your pregnancy test was positive.

You weren’t even gossiping with your friends about your pregnancy, no - I know this because the way I found out, along with all your friends and all the other occupants of the ladies’ room, was by your blood-curdling scream of “shit!” followed by “it’s positive, the test is positive!”  As if that left room for any doubt as to what you were doing, I saw you sitting in the stall with that terrifying little test in your hands as I made my way to the sink.  I might have offered you a hug or a piece of gum, but I knew you were ok because when your friends asked you what you were going to do, you replied with “I’m gonna just watch the fuckin’ movie and hope everything turns out all right.”  And that kind of attitude will get you so far in this unexpected pregnancy.

I don’t know why you took your pregnancy test in the bathroom at the movies, but really, I don’t have to know.  All I have to know is that you’re going to be a spectacular, upbeat mom who can really appreciate a good movie.  And that knowledge in my heart is enough to overpower all the curiosity I have about your fucked up ways.

Best wishes,

Emily

Dear 13-Year-Old Girl From Teen Book Club With A Pentagram Tattoo on Your Calf And Emotional Issues

I never wanted to be your friend.  There, I said it.  I don’t feel like I should have been obligated to be your friend just because your parents got divorced and you didn’t handle it well.  You should have been more like your older brother who was also in Teen Book Club and dyed a red streak in your hair and gotten into skateboarding.  But no.  Instead, you got some shady back alley tattoo of a pentagram with a goat head in the middle of it right on your adolescent calf.  And that was your choice.

How did you even do that?  Seriously, you were 13, at most.  I remember because one of the librarians told me that you got suspended from your middle school for threatening a teacher.  Do you have a relative with questionable morals and a tattoo gun?  He’d also had to have some artistry, because it looked pretty good, you know, for a pentagram featuring a goat head.

What’s more, what was up with the Satanic body art?  Were you in a phase that you thought you’d be in for the rest of your life?  Spoiler alert, that wasn’t the case.

Anyway, all this is just the prelude to asking why you thought it was ok to bang on the store windows at the mall as I was driving away, yelling my name like I’d turn around and talk to you?  Especially when it wasn’t even me, but my best friend who looks absolutely nothing like me?  

In conclusion, it is clear that in all these years since we met, you have not once checked yourself.  And girlfriend, you’re long overdue for wrecking yourself.

With the utmost respect and cordiality, 

Emily